The Many Surprises of Child-Rearing

There are many things we’ve had to quickly learn in the fire of parenting over the past five weeks (five weeks! It’s gone by so fast!). Of course, there are the usual aspects of parenting a newborn that everyone tells you are going to happen: you will get very little sleep and find out that it’s possible to function on 3-4hrs of sleep, your baby will be fussy any number of reasons and it will take some time to figure out how to soothe him, your bills will go up, your trash volume will go up, your laundry volume will go up, you’ll be amazed at how little you get done each day, and having a baby is very hard work while simultaneously very rewarding and chock-full of joyous moments. In other words, having a kid will simply turn your world upside down.

We have learned by first-hand experience all of these realities, and in that sense, being a parent really is like what everyone describes it. However, there are other things about being a parent that have taken us totally by surprised, aspects of having a child that everyone failed to mention until we joined the parenting club:

1. Those recommendations by the American Academy of Pediatrics about the manner your baby should sleep—i.e., on his back on a hard surface with nothing soft in his surroundings—is completely thrown out the window as soon as you actually have a child. In fact, we’ve discovered that pragmatism is the rule of the day for virtually every new parent we’ve talked to. You do whatever you can to get your kid to sleep. In fact, Emerson hates sleeping on his back. But, we have yet to revert to dipping his pacifier in whiskey.

2. Virtually overnight, I went from calling my wife, “Amber,” to “mom.” Craziness.

3. Anyone who tells you that a breastfed baby’s poop doesn’t smell is lying. It is still poop. Period.

4. You now have someone else to blame for burps and farts. Seriously, I think Emerson has us beat on these.

5. Whenever you’re at home, the baby is fussy and always wants to be held. Whenever you go out with friends, he’s a sweet little angel so no one believes you that he’s a diabolical maniac.

6. Whenever you want your spouse to do something, you now talk as if you are the baby. I.e., “Mom, will get dad a beer and make him a sandwich?”

7. Your laundry volume will go up: but it’s not because of your child’s clothes. It’s because he pees and pukes on all of your stuff! Indeed, your baby gets mad at you when he manages to pee in his own eye. More than once.

8. When he's ravenously hungry, he starts shaking his head vigorously back and forth like a dog with a chew toy so that it's nearly impossible to get the bottle/breast in his mouth. Not that I'm trying to get my breast in his mouth...but even on me he'll start rooting like a chicken frantically looking for a piece of corn.

9. Not every baby likes to be swaddled tightly with their arms down to their sides. In fact, Emerson will scream and fuss until he manages to wiggle his arms back out of the blanket.

10. When your baby makes the most hilarious faces (although, sometimes he just looks possessed) and performs the funniest antics, you will find yourself mesmerized by this great gift of cheap entertainment (which must be how you forget that you used to have a life).